Here I am up late and not able to sleep. So many thoughts running through my head. I never really get personal too much on this blog. It is supposed to be like a journal right? Some things I just hold in for so long and think who cares anyway. I know God cares and that should be my focus. I have been battling with depression for so long it just seems to be a part of who I am. I am so tired of it. I am tired of being weighed down. I also am burned out from thinking about the pain I am going through in my personnel life. I cry myself a sleep a lot at night. I have friends who I can't totally be honest with. I can't even be honest with my family at times because I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want people to worry about me. There are so many other people out there that have it worse than I do. These are still my feelings though. They are real to me no matter what. I have lost a part of me somewhere in my life. This is not me, this is not the woman I intended to be. Is it because I didn't truly seek God's will. I was always told the day I was born I was a fighter and strong willed. Than why do I feel so weak. God Please see me through this. I am tired of carrying on this weight. When will I ever let go and give this to you? I guess as soon as I fully trust you. I have been hurt from people that I fully handed my trust to. So God give me strength to trust...My wishes & my thanks.
- I wish I didn't feel this pain & suffering...I am thankful this is not my permanent home.
- I wish my Mom and I were closer in my teenage years....I am thankful for our closeness now.
- I wish my Brother never had to go through so much physical & verbal abuse as a kid...I am so very thankful for our friendship now and how wonderful of a Daddy he is to Colby.
- I wish that my Dad got sober sooner...I am thankful he is now.
- I wish that I never gave up Art...I am thankful for what I learned and got on paper.
- I wish that I never gave up Violin...I am thankful that I tried it.
- I wish that I never gave up dance...I am thankful I still have some rhythm.
- I wish that I never had to go through a uncomfortable personnel event once as a little girl...I am thankful God has shown me forgiveness for that.
- I wish that I would have known my half sisters and brother I had growing up...I am thankful that I met them and talk to them from time to time.
- I wish that I would have respected my Mom more as a teen...I am thankful I see that now.
- I wish that I never cared what people thought of me in high school or even recently...I am thankful I am learning not to now.
- I wish that I never tried to hurt myself at age 17...I am thankful I am still alive.
- I wish that I treated my husband better in our first years of marriage...I am thankful that I am trying now.
- I wish that I didn't have to go through so much pain in this marriage...I am thankful for God's strength and what he is showing me.
- I wish I had more time with my friends...I am thankful for the ones I have that are true to me, love me and are understanding.
- I wish that I would have been a better mother to Mylah her first year of life...I am thankful for the Mother I am now and not so selfish.
- I wish that I started college earlier...I am thankful I am going now and the support I am getting from family and friends.
- I wish that I had a guide in step-parenting (seriously being a parent is easier than a s-parent)...I am thankful I God is seeing me through and for Arielle.
- I wish that I could give more to those who need it...I am thankful God gave me a giving heart and I see that past to Mylah.
- I wish that my children would have never gone through so much internal medical pain...I am thankful they are both here, healthy and it wasn't anything life term.
- I wish that I would have taken the extra few minutes tonight to read the books Tresa picked out...I am thankful that she is understanding and I will make it up to her tomorrow night.
- I wish that I haven't wasted so much of God's time...I am thankful he always loves me.
- I wish that I could have more of a positive impact on my sisters(Sarah, Savannah, & Celina)...I am thankful for the time I get with them.
- I wish that I was asleep...I am thankful for what God is showing me at this very moment.
As I am sitting I looked over and changed our calendar of scripture quotes that Karen Snyder gave to Tim (Karen you are amazing!) and it reads.
Sometimes it takes suffering to make us realize the brevity of life, and the importance of living for Christ. Often God uses suffering to accomplish things in our lives that would otherwise never be achieved.
If you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 1 Peter 3:14
Well, that pretty much blows me away. So thankful God is always speaking to me. I pray that I continue to look at my list of Thanks.
10 comments:
It was great to see how God spoke to you even as you were seeking answers from Him! Keep reading His Word because we know that he has promised:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knowck and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7: 7,8
Love you!
Love you, love you, love you!
I think the month of October has brought "honesty, truth & freedom" to many of us.
Continue to seek His face - even through the fog of "every day" chores,duties,requirements! He will see you through each and every season of your life.
Praying for you sweet girl & am thankful for your sweet, sweet spirit.
Wow! What an amazing authentic post... all of my counselor training is bubbling up inside... sounds like you were working through a lot of stuff as you wrote. Keep writing... keep praying... impressive. If only we could all be so 'real'. Bless you!
Love you! Praying with you and for you!
Sitting here reading your post I am praying we could all be that real and trusting to god. I want you to know you can always always call me or drop by whenever you need some one to listen. You have been an awesome friend and I will pray for continued strength for you and that you will continue to pray and seek the lord.
I am thankful for your realness and trusting us all with your feelings. We love you!
Melissa, you are an awesome young woman with a fantastic family. I think at some time we all experience many of the same doubts, questions, hurts and pain you are feeling right now. Thank you for honesty in sharing so openly. Growing and changing can sometimes be painful. I have seen so much growth in your spiritual walk in the brief time I have known you. I will be praying for you and would encourage you to keep seeking Him through prayer and reading His word. Jesus loves you so much and He is there for you Melissa. Love, Karen
Thank you so much for sharing! I really believe that the Lord will continue to work in and thru you. He will speak to you, continue to listen! Thank you for your honesty and courage! I pray that you will be encouraged by your list of Thanks! I am thankful for you and will pray for you!
I have been thinking of you all week, hesitating to respond because I never know the "right" thing to say to be encouraging. I will be praying for you and am so thankful for your openness.
Melissa, I want you do know that I am praying for you. I don't know you too well but what I do know of you is that you are beautiful, talented, very good with your children and a devoted wife. Hang in there and know that you have so many people who love you and pray for you every day.
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